the art of failing
by callieincali
Summary: drunk!kady scene, you know the one. i just like to put things in my own words.


**A/N: i just wanted to put my own spin on what was going through Kady's head during this scene.**

 **basically, i get stir-crazy if I haven't written in a few days so i had to do something.**

 **disclaimer: if the topics discussed in the show (rape, abortion, drug abuse, etc.) are offensive to you, don't read this.**

 **another disclaimer: this isn't exactly canon, it's just what i think was possibly going on. if your opinion is different, yay for diversity. I'd love to hear some other takes on what you thought of this scene.**

Kady failed. She failed so many times, in so many ways that she wondered if success was anything more than an unachievable standard, made up by others who needed a reason to keep trying.

First, she ran. She told herself it was the right thing to do, even with the gut feeling that she had made a decision that would kill the closest thing to a friend she had ever had. Julia would protest that logic, saying that her bailing was the only way for both of them to make it out alive.

Still, the possibility that both Kady and Julia could have gotten away unscathed never seemed to leave Kady's mind.

And even after she ran, she didn't return. That was failure number two. She fled and hid with no intention of returning, even at the thought that the girl she had grown close to was most likely dead. She should have gone back. She should have found help. But she was a coward, and she let the fear of the unknown drive her away.

And deciding to take the easy way out, she took to hiding. She jumped off the grid, devoting her life to selling heroin on the streets just to make a quick buck, instead. She tried the drug a few times, hoping it would help her forget everything, even if just for an hour. Those tries escalated to a daily occurrence staggeringly fast until she had fallen into the life of heroin addiction. Dignifying. (And failure number three.)

But _Julia_ came back for _her_ , in need of help and probably not on the best terms, but they were together, nonetheless.

They were going to kill Reynard and Kady finally received the second chance she was waiting for.

But then Julia was pregnant and everything was complicated again. Julia stopped smiling and Kady only felt worse each time she remembered that the pregnancy was a direct result of her cowardliness.

And just as Kady thought she was finally getting somewhere with Julia- just as the first layer of walls started to fall from her exterior, the abortion took her shade.

Kady had lost count of the mistakes and failures at the point.

Brown eyes swirled through her thoughts, clouding her view and muddying up any other ideas she could have made. And yeah, she was probably in love with her. So what?

Kady cared for Julia, that wasn't even a probability at that point; it was just a fact that Kady had accepted as true. Julia was there through her detox, her mother dying, and through that ordeal that Kady could only label as 'Reynard' in fear that saying anymore would resurface the memories again, and remembering them once in a night still felt like one time too many to Kady.

Julia was the only one left that was willing to bat more than an eyelash at her; the only one left that cared in the slightest about Kady's well-being.

The only one besides-

No, Penny _loved_ her. And the feeling was not exactly mutual. Meaning that any attempt Penny made to prove he cared fell flat. Because he _didn't_ care- he _loved_ \- and love was messy and uncomfortable unless it was reciprocated.

Kady didn't feel cared for around Penny. She felt awkward and belittled because she couldn't force herself to feel the same way. And it hurt even more that Penny wasn't willing to move on.

Penny loved Kady. Kady loved Julia. And Julia didn't love anyone.

Not a love triangle, but a love line, only to reach its full three-sided potential if Julia were to love Kady back.

But she didn't, and that thought alone was enough for Kady to determine that a methadone mixer would fail miserably at trying to quench the thirst she was feeling.

She started with a whiskey and club soda mix- Eliot used to make it for her and she liked using the combination as a pregame. Plus, she enjoyed the way the bubbles helped cut through the intense bitterness that it carried with it.

She started slow, sipping it occasionally along with stray tears that rebelled and rolled down her cheeks. But the necessity and frequency of her drinks increased until she was downing full glasses in seconds, the club soda long forgotten on the counter's corner. Her head was already fizzing enough without the added carbonation.

At some point, Penny came by, and while Kady had little to no recollection of what she had said to him, a gut feeling told her she would regret it in the morning.

He didn't have much to say in return, but when Kady spun around from pouring another drink, the room was empty.

She didn't have anything to say anymore, anyways. It still hurt, though. Being alone. Especially knowing Julia was in Fillory, probably getting herself into trouble that her broken conscience wouldn't be able to recognize.

She washed the thought away with a mouthful of whiskey, finally noticing the incredibly buzzed feeling between her ears.

Had she not felt like any movement would be enough to send her to the ground with a concussion, she would have stood from the chair she was in and made her way back to her room. But that was definitely not the case.

So, she stayed put, downing the rest of her half-full cup and allowing it to fall from her fingers to the carpet, quietly.

Her head involuntarily leaned backwards, finding suitable support from the arm of the chair. Kady could feel every nerve in her body shutting down, leaving her with the tingling she had been searching for.

She closed her eyes and sighed because, for the first time in a long time, her mind was empty. Her emotions weren't gnawing away at her stomach, causing it to twist in knots. Her thoughts were quiet.

She was numb.

 **A/N: angst. come mourn with me on twitter at callieincali .**


End file.
